Seasonal Work

Several years ago, I accidently worked at Lloyd Center for a few months. I suppose it was an adventure of sorts. I broke up a couple girl fights, purchased many shiny accessories and made friends with the manger at Mrs. Fields and proceeded to eat a cookie cup (if you don't know what it is, find out, fast,) each shift. And, as you may guess, I have countless tales from the good ol' days, but one in particular sticks out in my mind, for it was very traumatizing.

So, in the store I worked, (like most stores in Lloyd Center, aka the Murder Mall since like, 8 people have been shot there,) we had a bit of a shoplifting problem. It was my sport to try to catch them and prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law, (even though I didn't give a care if they stole from us, I was just bored.) Two main problems arose from this, firstly, there are apparently laws in place so employees can't go around accusing people of shoplifting without extreme probabal cause. Secondly, those girls could always run faster than me.

Anyhow, there was a girl who I had seen shoplift at least 11 times and this was the last straw, I was going to catch her with her pants down, or at least with pants up her shirt. And that's just what she did, except she was shoving pants, and anyother item her sticky fingers could grasp and nonchalantly stuffing them into the bottom of her stroller. Bitch's gots guts was my mantra as I walked towards our most notorious thief. As I neared her, I think she actually grew, for I became increasingly more afraid of her with each step. How can I approch this situation and still keep my life? I'll talk to her baby! Genius! She can't morph into the She-Hulk or even think I'm on to her if I am just chatting up her baby! Great.
So, I lean down and grab on to her baby's little, teeny foot, "Hi baby! Aren't you cute! Look at your little shoes!" And with all the motherly love one can imagine she says,

"Girl, my baby don't wanna look at you! You ugly!"

Oh yes she did. I rose with anger pulsing through my veins knowing I was about to stop the meanest, most flagrant shoplifter Lloyd Mall had ever seen...but when I spoke, the only words I could muster were meekishly,


"Oh...sorry."


That day, she walked out with the pants, and I walked out without pride. It was a normal day for all of us.